Forging Ahead

Life is hard. Life is hard for everyone in some way. I have been struggling with the anxiety of trying to figure out how I’m going to continue to provide for me and my children and our future. Lately, I’ve been having to take money out of my savings account to make sure I don’t go over. My savings account is pretty pitiful as is, so I’ve been stressing like crazy. I needed something to earn a little extra money, so I’m embarking on a new business venture, I guess you could say.

Last night I signed up to become a consultant with the company my boss works for. (I’m her personal assistant, so for the last six months I have been working for her, not the company.) I’m terrified. Excited, yet terrified—for several reasons. First, I’m not a salesperson. I’ve never had a sales job and have always stayed away from them because you need to have good social skills to be a salesperson, right? I don’t.

Second, I have anxiety. I have social anxiety. Bad social anxiety. Just the thought of having to go talk to/try to sell things to a bunch of strangers is almost enough to give me a panic attack.

And lastly, I fear failure. I feel as if I’ve failed at nearly everything in my life, so why should I think that this will be any different?

I need the money this opportunity could potentially provide. I need it. Last night I went to a conference this company did, and all these women were talking about how their jobs as consultants were about giving them extra income on top of what their husbands already make. They do it to pay for a vacation to Disneyland, to afford to take their kids to a nice restaurant and a movie. I need it to buy my kids new shoes when the ones they have wear out. I need it to buy them new shirts this summer because their old ones don’t fit anymore. I need it to put food on the table. And if I get to a point where I can save some for their future, well, I need that too. It’s a lot of pressure, and I’m so afraid of failing. This is a job that requires social networking, something I’m terrible at. I don’t have many friends. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve felt that I repel people rather than attract them. Much of that is due to my mental illness. It makes creating and keeping relationships hard. But I need this. And I absolutely, one-hundred percent believe in the products this company makes. So I’m forging ahead. I’m risking going so, so, sooooo far outside my comfort zone—like a fish out of water—and hoping, despite my fears, I can do this and that it will somehow work out.

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